Dear Friend,
Season’s Greetings to you.
I know my letter may come as a surprise to you, but I am moved to write to you given the exceptionally difficult circumstances in which I find myself.
I am Dis-honourable Dr Reverend Whyte-Wash Craig, founder of The Church of the Disappearing Queens Head [£] in The British Virgin Islands
I write this letter to you in confidence, asking that you may not circulate it in case it should fall into the wrong hands and let the cruel and heartless officials in the UK discover my whereabouts.
You see, I bring to you terrible news that my world has turned upside down, following the somewhat scandalous callous way in which I have been forced out of my home country by a despicable brutal Governmental regime.
I have born 9 months of ‘torture’ in battling the cruel and ‘hyena’ like HMRC as they doggedly persist in finding the missing Millions owed to them in the Rangers tax case, incidentally which I agreed with SDM to ‘take under’, sorry ‘take on’… take ON’ I MEANT ‘TAKE ON’.
Despite pledging that ‘I don’t do walking away’, I find myself in the awful position of being ‘chauffer driven’ this time, with thanks to SDM Cars btw, to yet another failed company owing money.
Most disgustingly, I have found myself in the extremely unfortunate position of ‘not being under house arrest in some god forsaken Hole by an Evil regime. Instead, I am busy relaxing on a hot beach, drinking Gin n Tonic, surrounded by other like minded religious people who know how to ‘wash away their filthy money’ or should I say ‘someone else’s’ rightful money.
Sir, your assistance in this matter is of grave urgency and the utmost secrecy. Kindly keep this to yourself my good friend and the Lord shall bless you with many golden coins.
For I am desperately looking for a reliable partner whom I can trust as I have available the secret £[insert amount] Million pound from the ‘wee tax bill’ deposited in a ‘friends’ bank somewhere over the rainbow. However I urgently need your assistance to facilitate the transfer to my private offshore bank. I am willing to give you 30% of that money as payment for your ‘efforts’.
Please be aware that there are many scams out there that ask you for funds up front to facilitate deals that probably aren’t worth the paper they’re written on, ironically similar in price substance to my £1 takeover of Rangers Football Club 9 months ago, which has unfortunately led to my subsequent demise.
In the first instance, please contact our Solicitors, Collier Bristows.
BARRISTER Norman Collier, famed for ‘missing bits out’ and BARRISTER Eric Bristow, famed for being a ‘crafty cockney’, with details of your inability to keep professional records of names addresses, the ability to ‘shadow direct’ wishy washy fake companies and details of tax avoidance collusion partners.
They can be contacted here atarmslengthfromHMRC@yahoo.web
I remain forever at your gratitude in trying to help me out of this terrible terrible hot weather we are having this time of the year.
Your trusted friend,
Rev Whyte Wash Craig